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Entry Eighteen (I think).
"Then, you are really, utterly
and irremediably lost.
Lost in Oblivion."
Did I really write this ?
I guess I did. Well, maybe not really, but that's a matter for another time. For now, let's just assume I did.
"Lost in Oblivion."
Did you really think I'd leave you at this ?
Sounds a little too much like a teenager's lament, don't it ? Like in that Alice Cooper song where that guy just turns Eighteen and realises he isn't a man yet, isn't a child no more ("too old to rock'n'roll, too old to die..."), but well, he seems to like it anyway. But well, it's only a song, and he's only a teenager. I'm not. I'm not even alive, by most people's standards. Sp I guess I couldn't attribute the previous pages to any sort of gothic wannabe, Rimbaud-like mal de vivre. You don't have to simulate going through hell when you actually are doing it, in the most physical sense. As I probably was.
So this deep, intense feeling of non-existence took its roots in a very tangible fact : I was fading away from myself, and from any form of solid reality. Life had taken me ans spewed me out. I no longer had any idea of who I was, had been or could be.
And that is the only reason why I could emerge of this trial with anything left of an intact mind.
I found myself standing in the middle of nowhere.
For how long I had been so, I had no way to know. But there was I.
Who am I, did I wonder ?
Realising I could get no answer to that one, I went on.
Who can I be, did I ask myself ?
A face appeared to me. The face of a woman. I knew it wasn't me, and couldn't be no matter how much make-up I put on or how many liftings I would go through. So I guessed it would be the face of the woman I would love, live for, kill for, and ultimately die again for.
How the rest happened isn't in my power to know, let alone to tell.
A door appeared and opened for me, right in the muddle of nowhere.
I won't bullshit you with any "Love opens Sesames" crap. This wasn't Love. And that wasn't a Sesame, just one more Door in another form. A Door to my Perception, to my Inside-out, a way to my Backdoor Possibilities, a place where there is no Darkness and where no Birth ever could take place.
I then did what any self-conscious, ludicrous Hollywood Hero would do in such a case, knowing that if he didn't go through the stupid script, somebody in a lightless desk would get fired and never get to write again about that one little stupid and self-conscious character.
I stepped through the door.
And there I was, out of the Soul Game.
I found Minos drooling, tied with Col Iron chains on his stupid Machine, which Tilted all the way down,and where I seemed to have scored more than the counters would allow. And still, a little voice inside my head told me I didn't know who I was, and that for a very light price it could tell me again all I wanted to know. I didn't pay it no heed, and after a while it just disappeared.
And I also found my friends, in a very bad shape too, but a few shakes and slaps allowed them to stand up and, for the first time since we met - but certainly not the last since then - follow me.
And on we went, to the next Level.
the end for now...