Entry Sixteen.

When I came to the door on the right, I knew right away I would not escape my fate, whatever move I chose to make. The shield had had its use, and so had the sword. So, it was left between the helmet and me. Whatever lied behind this third door, I had to confront it all by myself, with my head alone (whether in a metaphorical or physical sense, I could only ponder).

So I simply opened the door wide and entered.

The room was dark. The only thing I could see in it was a dim light, somewhere way in front of me. It took me quite a while to get there, wherever it was, and to see it ; but time, here, didn't matter.

The light came from a mirror (yes, I know that mirrors only reflect existing light and do not create any ; but I also know what I saw there, and that's all I'm talking about, rational or not). And of course, in the mirror was the one thing I really was afraid of, the one adversary I was in no shape to confront : me.

So I said "hi", and I said "hi". And I asked :

- What do you want ?

And I answered :

- What do you want ?

I quickly got to the conclusion that, no matter how clever the trick was, I would get nowhere trying to hold a conversation with the built-in echo of a mirror, so I went on my way past the mirror, and just let drop a little "fuck you" on the way.

"- Well, so that's what you really want to tell yourself ?" the mirror said. "I see you have quite a high opinion of your person..."

I turned around, and saw that the mirror "reflected" both ways.

"- So what, I said ? What is that to you ? (I had nearly said "what am I to you", but had decided otherwise...).

- Well, I'm you, am I not ? So, it does matter to me. Your self-destructing tendencies, the way you indulge in the worst parts of yourself, do import to me.

- So, what am I... are YOU going to do about it ? Anything besides the lesson in morals ?

- Oh, no, you misunderstand me. I don't care if you go to fuck-all. Please, do ourselves a favour and kill yourselve. Go ahead, see if I care. As a matter of fact, the only thing that really bothers me is your continued existence. See, I am linked to you, and believe me, behind linked to such a pathetic worm isn't the most enviable position. So, as you're obviously totally incapable of taking good care of us, leave me alone. Just dive into nothingness, and let me go my own way, and find somebody responsible to mirror.

- You're such an asshole !!

- Yes. I am you, after all.

- No you're not. And even if you were, who would that make of you ? I don't even know who I am, how would you ?

- Oh, yes, you do. You're afraid of remembering, is all. But here and now, if you want it, you can remember it all."

So I tried. And I did. God fuck me, I DID !! At that moment, I knew my name, my identity, my past, and I hated myself, I hated the world, and more than anything, I hated the truth. I saw and understood other things, too. I knew who my companions really were and why they were here with me, and where was "here". I wanted at the same time to kill them right away, to warn them before I hurt them, or before they did much worse to me, and I wanted to kill myself. At the same time, I loved Sharon like I had loved no other in my long existence, and I hated her to no end, for her treasons past and future ; as for Simon, I could not help but feel sorry for him, because his task, as dirty and despicable as it was, was a difficult one, and I would for nothing in this world or the other want to trade places with him, ever. At that moment, I knew all I never wanted to know. And that hurt. A lot.

- Damn your soul, said I.

- Been there, done that, said He who was I. YOU should know...

- I know, damn it, I do...
So, now, what the hell am I supposed to do ?

- Just go on your way, I suppose. See, you are surrounded by eternal darkness. There is no way no find your way out, except one. If you get lost long enough, eventually, you'll just sink into oblivion and get done with it.

- I can just go a straitgh way from where I came in.

- Sure you can. But the entry isn't there anymore, if it ever was. See, this darkness is a representation of your own mind, so no wonder it's a mess...

- Well, thanks for nothing, you fucker. Oh, and one last thing...

- Yes ?

- Get screwed.

- Oh, but I shall, my friend, as shall you !!" And he burst into a fit of laughter that kept resounding in my ears long, long after I had walked away from him, long even after the slightest hope of light had disappeared. And slowly, but surely, I sank into oblivion.


to be followed...

 

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